The Re-Education of Victor Vargas

My name is Foli Creppy. I reside in New York City and I'm 21 years old. These are a small portion of my random thoughts, stories and comedy.

Cho-L.A.-hontas

Cholahontas
Cholahontas
Raven hair down to your lower back
Neon green knapsack right by your side
Your body was a blank canvas but is now full of ink
Hair dye running down the sink as you dye your hair dirty blond
You grab your bag and walk outside of your empty glass house.
Wrist, neck, and ears shine and jiggle in the sunlight from the gold and precious stones that cover them.
Father’s dead
Your mother is off somewhere
The world doesn’t understand you
They try to throw stones at your already broken home
You’re so misunderstood.
You’re just like any other kid
You party with your friends
You live your life to it’s fullest.
Your outer appearance is just a personal choice
A reflection of your beliefs, memories, and personal style
They judge, they judge, they judge.
But little do they know your a tattoo artist who takes care of her siblings
Trying to atone for the mistakes made by her mother
Her knapsack isn’t full of drugs or guns, but paper, ink and a tattoo machine.
So before you judge, just realize this…
Cholahontas
Cholahontas
She’s just trying to make it
One day at a time

 

This pistol is beautiful, but I feel that it would look better in gold in my honest opinion. 

This pistol is beautiful, but I feel that it would look better in gold in my honest opinion. 

(via landofcool)

Untitled

I’ve felt this way for awhile now and I feel like I have to tell you this..

Ever since I first met you I’ve had a crush on you.

You had a boyfriend at the time so I never said anything out of respect for you and him.

It’s been hard watching someone who I considered marrying having so much fun with a guy that isn’t me.

I look at you and I think to myself about being us together, building a perfect life together and being the envy of all the our friends.

Even though you could pick from a list you compiled of the things that you hate about yourself. I never found one thing that was wrong with you, you were always beyond beautiful and more than perfect to me.

I never said anything because I was afraid that I would lose the relationship we established with each other.

I rather stay as your friend a life time and fantasize about what could have been, than to jeopardize everything over how I honestly feel and lose you for the rest of my life.

I hate that I have to suffer in silence  and I could never share with you how I truly feel about you….


But that’s life…

and part of living in this world and growing up is accepting and moving on. So although your with someone else, have to deal with that and even though I still love you and I wish things had turned out differently..

I still love you and I only wish to see you happy.
 

This Thing We Call Life.

What if the life we think we leading now has already happened?

What if we already died and the life we are leading now has already ended and is noe being played  in projector-like machine and future generations are viewing our memories as if they were motion pictures?

 From birth to death, crowds of movie goers view our every move. Every heart break, every joyous moment, and every up and down can be seen by the audience.


Each of these moments in our lives are broken up into genres such as romantic comedies, dramas, comedy, and horror. 

When we die, we are then reborn into a new body and the process starts over again.
A new saga or chapter in our lives begins, with a new storyline and a new set of actors and actresses. 
 

I AM THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE!

LOOK AT ME!
LOOK AT ME! 
LOOK AT ME!
LOOK AT ME! 

I have never worked a day in my life.
I do not know of the struggles of the paupers and the working class.
My hands are as soft as the day I was debut to the world.
My mother…OH MY MOTHER! How vain of a woman she was.
She had a surrogate give birth to me so that her figure would stay as pristine as an unopened Barbie. 
THAT BITCH! SHE WAS TOO GOOD TO EVEN GIVE BIRTH TO ME! ME!! HER OWN SON!

Like mother like son..
I have grown to detest work due to my privileged upbringing.
Everything was handed to me
From my grades at school to the jobs I receive now.
I went to the best schools.
Ate the best restaurants.
I’ve had my way with the most attractive women. One’s you could only fantasize about and masturbate too.

LOOK AT ME!
LOOK AT ME! 
LOOK AT ME!
LOOK AT ME! 

I’M THE CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE! MASTER OF THE WORLD!

Look at me… 

How to Set the Mood for Birthday Sex

Items you will need.

Scented oils (Cirsco or bacon grease will due if you’re on a budget) 

Eagle feathers

Ostrich eggs

An expensive bottle of Pinot Noir (Box wine if you’re on a budget)

Sexy time playlist

Should include Bon Iver, Justin Timberlake, Frank Ocean, R.Kelly, Drake, Robin Thicke, Rob Thomas, Adventura and Santana.

(Add alittle bit of OFWGKTA so your girl doesn’t think your a complete softie.)

Steps to Birthday Sex

Find your woman and carry her to your bedroom.

Open up wine and drink entire bottle.

Blindfold her.

Turn the lights off and light candles, play Playlist listed above.

Tell her to lie down and relax, sit on her back and rub her down with oils.

Whisper sweet nothings into her ear.

Make primal, grunting noises as you massage her. Woman love primal, grunting noises.

Now here comes the fun part…

Go down on your woman and make the sign of each letter of the alphabet with your tongue starting from A and once you reach Z go backwards back to A again. While you do this tickle her feet with the eagle feather.

Now take the ostrich egg and crack it over her back and rub contents over her body. While doing this make roster noises.

Now you are ready for birthday sex! 

Darling, Burn my Clothes and Start a Bonfire.

He is weary.

Cramming his average frame into the cramped metal box of a train car

Breathing in the underground fumes of the city

Full of airborne viruses, coffee, stale urine and cigarette smoke

How is that a man can go on for 20 something years with the same schedule of early rise, late work hours, horrible pay and cramped subway cars without screaming from the tallest building, “ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I WANT OUT OF THIS HUMDRUM HELLHOLE EXISTENCE!”

Although, the day nor the chance doesn’t come

Along came a woman whose existence is parallel to that of the leading male character of this tale

They meet each other in a greasy spoon one night and bond over war stories of their time served as residents of the “Greatest City on Earth”, “The Rotten Apple”…New York City

The chanced meeting turns into a few phone calls, then to a few dates, and lastly to a full on relationship

For 3 years and 3 months they stayed together

4 times as long as any other couple in The City

In the day and age of sexting, “facebook marriages”, and texting while on a date

AN ALL TIME HIGH! A RECORD I SAY! THEY BEAT THE ODDS AND HAD A RELATIONSHIP…A REAL RELATIONSHIP LIKE THE ONE OUR PARENTS HAD AND THEIR PARENTS BEFORE THEM!!

OH GLORY BE TO THESE BRAVE YOUNG SOULS!!

But every story has a unhappy ending, atleast mine do anyway

As the man rose through the ranks of the corporate ladder, he found himself coming home later and later

Sometimes living out of his office for days at a time

A relationship, a car to take him to and from work, money, and a title

He has achieved everything he has wanted

HE WAS A SOMEBODY! NOT JUST A NAMELESS FACE CRAMMED BETWEEN THE FLESH OF OTHER NAMELESS FACES!!

His girlfriend, understanding at first, slowly started to become less and less understanding of her boyfriends work and late hours at the office

"It’s either me or your job"

Not wanting to give up his new found status and not wanting to go back to his humdrum life, he chose his career

Hurt and infuriated by his choice, his girlfriend, with eyes full of tears and a heart full of rage

Gathered all of his clothes, put them in a pile in his living room floor, lit a match, and burned his clothes and his apartment down.



Moral of this story - Material things are fleeting, a woman’s rage and love can hurt you or comfort you for life.


A Few Artists I Listen to The Most.

Terror

La Dispute

Coldplay

A Day To Remember

Circa Survive

Dance Gavin Dance

Fall Out Boy

Jonny Craig

Beach Fossils

King Krule

Kanye West

Pharell

The Black Keys

Mars Volta

Cro Mags

Trapped Under Ice

The Dead Weather

The White Stripes

Greed

I am the man in a suit made of precious stones and currency.

A living, breathing symbol of avarice and vice.

A child that was born of to the mother of indulgence and a father of immorality.

Now a man, once a nameless being. I was given the name of greed by the ones who loathed, loved, and were indifferent to my existence.

I never heard nor was I taught the word “no”, only “yes” and “take more”.

I am Greed. I am the one that knocks on morality’s door and when no one answers, I bang, kick, scream, attack till you cannot bear anymore.

Until you open the door.

Then you are mine.

Forever.





I am Greed…..and I am taking permanent residence within you.

Enjoy.

Word of the Day

SWAG - To take a Smart but Wild Ass Guess at something. When you pull a well explained answer out of your ass to answer someones question. An answer that was constructed so well, that you, the questioner, and everyone else around you that doesn’t know the real answer believes what you just said was true.

In short, a smartly, bullshitted answer.

SWAG

Brooklyn or Washington/Inwood CRIBS!

So when I move out in a year or so, here are the things I hope to have in my room within the few months.

I say my room and not the entire apartment because I’m going to be a rooming with a couple of friends. The common rooms will be a collective decision on how they should be designed.

Anywho, here’s the list.

1. A liquor cabinet full of liquor, for when company comes over and I invite people into my room.

2. Dog pillow, For our house mascot.

3. Vinyl toys from various urban streetwear brand stores.

4. A Mac laptop or desktop.

5. A sturdy, minimalist design bed.

6. A chalk or whiteboard.

7. Bookcase for my shirts, sweaters, and pants.

8. Shelves for my books.

9. A hookah pipe.

10. Some chairs or pillows or a couch or 2.

11. Nightstand.

12. Cigar box full of condoms.

13. Decent sized sound system equipment.

14. An area for my sneaker collection.

15. Pictures of pop art from Roy Lichtenstein (recreations) and random quotes.

True Life : I’m Love Latin Women.

Before I go any further, I want to say that I LOVE ALL WOMEN, no matter what your nationality my be, but like everyone else in the world I have my favorites and preferences.

I feel the first step in any addiction is acknowledging you have a problem in the first place. Although, I feel like this is one addiction I’m actually comfortable with having.

This addiction isn’t hurting myself or the ones I love in anyway, isn’t hurting me financially, physically, or mentally. So why not indulge in myself? I deserve it damn it!

To be honest, I don’t know when this all started, probably when I was younger…

If I had to create some sort of starting point for when my attraction began I would probably say it began somewhere between the time I had had my first Hispanic teacher in the 2nd grade to around the 5th grade when my mom transferred me to a school in a neighborhood that was predominantly European and Hispanic.

My teachers fell into two categories at the time, young, attractive latin females ( or attractive latin milfs) and older, european women (late 50’s - 60’s).


As a youngster I was attracted to the Latin teachers because of their youthful, fit, wide hipped bodies, Spanish accents, and feisty personalities; I was also attracted to the fact that as they grew older, they only aged better with time, like fine wine.

Latin milf = WINNING!

The spanish accent had a big role to play also because there was just something about a heavy Spanish or a “New York Spanish” accent (think Rosy Perez), that I found to be sexy.

I still find that to be a huge turn - on.

My dream come true would be to come home everyday and wake up every morning to a girlfriend or wife who cooks me food from her native country and speaks to me in only spanish.

That’s it. I’m a simple man when it comes to these things.




How I Met Sonya Shivakamini Somakandarkram Patel

It was a Saturday night and I had just came home from work as a sales associate at a record store that was located on the first level of my apartment. I plopped down on my couch, opened up a Kopperberg beer that I took out from the mini fridge next to me, and roamed the internet for yet another online, “one night stand” hook up on various online dating sites.

Basically, the usual Saturday night routine.

I decided to switch it up from the weekly diet of Jewish, Latin, Filipino and Caribbean women and try an Indian dating site one of my Indian co-workers, Harold, told me about this morning.

BusyBrooklynBombayHookups.com

So I go on, made a profile (Used an “online name” to protect my identity, website policy), and the site matches me up with 20 different women. I look through each one, unimpressed by the women I’ve been matched up with I almost gave up hope when, yes, I found the one; number 16.

She was beautiful, the best looking woman I had ever seen and we had most of the same interest in common.

Perfect!

I had to find out where she lived.

I sent her a smooth, sexy/funny message.

Waiting…..waiting………………..waiting…….

Finally, she sends one back, she thought I was cute and funny. After a few back and forth messages that night she said she wanted to meet, she liked what she saw plus she had seen me around the neighborhood a couple of times and wanted to get to know me better. I said sure and I suggested we me up tonight, she agreed and gave me her address.

I threw on my nicest casual outfit and I headed out the door towards her place.
I walked up the stoop stairs, rang the doorbell and my indian princess appeared before me in a tanktop and booty shorts.

TOO PERFECT!

She invited me in and asked me if I wanted anything to drink, I said sure and she made us both a cup of chai whiskey tea.

We drank about 4 cups of her alcoholic concoction, all the while we talked about everything relating to music, literature, politics & food. Finally, four hours had past and she said “I’m going to bed, will you join me?”

I don’t know whether that was her or the alcohol talking, either way I wasn’t going to pass up ending my evening in such a perfect fashion, I replied “Yes” and she lead me to her bedroom.

As I entered the dark, bedroom something in the back of my mind had been bothering me, like I forgot to ask her something..

"I know I should have asked you this earlier but, what’s your name?"

"Sonya, Sonya Shivakamini Somakandarkram Patel. Yours?"

"Foli, Foli Creppy"

I felt at ease.

As she pushed me her low frame bed and sat on top of me said, ” Now I have a question for you”

I kissed her.

"and what might that be?"

She replied, “Lights on or off”

I replied “On of course.”

"Good, because I planned on leaving them on anyway."

Ugh…This woman is perfection.

What A Woman Wants.

For hundreds, if not thousands of years, man has tried to figure out what women want.
There have been books, magazine articles, television programs and yes even entire movies have been dedicated to the subject; yet time after time, no matter how many men you ask they all have a different answer as to what women want.

WELL I HAVE DISCOVERED THE SECRET AS TO THE 7 THINGS ALL WOMEN WANT AND NEED!

Those seven things are…

1. Sense of Humor/Fun

2. Food

3. Alcohol

4. Someone who is decent looking and attractive

5. Charm

6. Someone who is intelligent.

7. Spontaneity


Notice something about this list?

They are they same things YOU want also!

OH DEAR GOD!
IT CAN’T BE!
WOMEN ARE ACTUALLY LIKE US MEN IN CERTAIN ASPECTS?!?!?!?!

NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 0____________________________________0

THE HORROR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHH!!

In short, there isn’t any magic trick, or special statements or anything like that when it comes to talking to women.

You don’t need pick up lines (Although, if they’re funny you can use them to make her laugh)

Just talk to her like a normal human being, it’ll get you farther than cheesy pick up lines and asshole/douchbag conversation starters.